i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
