i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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