im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
