How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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