I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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