I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
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Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
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I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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