I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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