Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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