my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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