ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Let's get the cat blown out
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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