I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
