Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
