Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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