Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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