I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
