I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
