Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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