Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
