cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
