I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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