i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
