Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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