i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
