guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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