i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
