I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
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He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
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I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
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