census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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