I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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