Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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