Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
