I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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