Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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