I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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