fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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