Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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