You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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