The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
