I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize
