he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
