Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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