I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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