And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
