True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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