I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
