mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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