i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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