remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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