Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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