I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
