I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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