i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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