I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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