It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
