Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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