Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
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