quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
