I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
